Rio Olympics 2016 are done and dusted. It was a mixed Olympics for India, while Indian athletes like Dipa Karmarkar, Sakshi Malik and P V Sindhu broke into uncharted territory for us, old hands like Abhinav Bindra narrowly missed out on medals. India for long has struggled to translate its huge potential into medals. But there maybe one section of India, which could win medals after medals for us: Indian media. What if there were Olympics only for media persons? We feel the following would certainly win awards:
Archery
We can hope for two medals here: first for impeccable aim even when target is fuzzy, and a second, for catching a flying arrow, an udta teer, from mid-air. Shooting is considerably easier, catching it mid-air is nigh impossible, but our journalists have done it.
Arnab shot an unnamed arrow a few weeks back on some “pro-Pakistan doves”. He did not name his target, but shot right at the bulls-eye. And out of nowhere, Barkha Dutt jumped and took the teer, declaring to the whole world that she was the one who gets support from Hafiz Saeed, who Arnab had attacked for being pro-Pakistan. Two medals guaranteed!
Men’s Boxing
No contest here. Seldom has an Indian pugilist made name in USA, that too at the biggest arena possible: Madison Square Garden.
Men’s Gymnastic
Rajdeep Sardesai could well be our star at the Olympics. A self confessed “monkey-balancer”, Rajdeep tends to oer-balance sometimes, especially if credit is due to BJP:
Can we give one third credit to BJP, a third to Cong and a third to regional parties? One india, one cake! #GSTBill
— Rajdeep Sardesai (@sardesairajdeep) August 3, 2016
Using his trademark “moral compass”, Rajdeep would be a fine gymnast on the tricky balancing beams at Olympics. The only worry would be Rajdeep losing his mental balance if a certain Kejriwal were nearby.
4 x 100 metres relay
Relay racing needs speed and coordination. Speed: for individual participants to run across their designated terrain, coordination: to pass the baton on to your team-mate. If Indian media outlets such as NDTV, CNN IBN, Aaj Tak and ABP News team up, then we can see wonders happening. Take the case of Award Wapsi relay last year. The baton of intolerance was passed seamlessly between Barkha and Rajdeep and Zaka Jacob and Aveek Sarkar, culminating into a fine victory for Nitish Kumar’s patchwork coalition. This was in fact a repeat show, the first example being the Christians under Attack narrative earlier in 2015. Such speed and coordination is sure to bag us some medals.
Synchronised Swimming
Synchronised swimming is relatively easy. Your partner is visible to you, there is music playing, and you are swimming in harmless water. But our journalists swim in the treacherous waters of social media, where Bhakts are waiting to pounce on them. In such a situation, when your partner is far away, synchronisation can be very hard. Especially if the matter is a drab PTA meeting, one needs special talent to make it an award winning performance. But fear not, our media mavens are adept:
Look at the synchronisation. AAP holds a PTA meeting, Barkha congratulates, Rajdeep glorifies a meeting to the level of real infrastructure work (notice the fine gymnastic balance also), and Sagarika instantly retweets! All over in a few hours! Gold guaranteed.
