If you go by trends in our online forums that right-wing people frequent, the country’s stock of popcorns must be running low. The steady supply of news from Pakistan has seriously threatened the livelihood of standup comedians, far more effectively than any boycotts or protests. Why pay for something you get free every day?
Take this sample – Imran Khan proudly declaring Pakistan is the cheapest country in the world! If you are ever in the market for a begging bowl or suicide vest, you know where to go.
It has also reportedly disturbed Arvind Kejriwal, ever since he read about the alleged assassination attempt on Imran. “OMG! This guy is even ahead of me! At least I wait for a few guys to shout slogans near my house to cry assassination attempt!”. In fact, a PTI leader even had come out with a fantastic reason for why Imran is sought to be killed – he refused to sell the country. This indeed sets the bar high for all future conspiracy theories. One hopes our Yugpurush can do better.
Kejriwal should also seriously consider suing Imran Khan for breach of patents and copyright. How can Khan wave a blank paper in a public meeting alleging saazish without any permission?!
Will he make it? Won’t he? Is there a sunroof lever waiting to malfunction somewhere? Will the Supreme Court black coats take a cue from the lordships in uniform and declare Imran has failed the SAT test? No that is not the Scholastic Aptitude Test, stupid, it is the “Sadiq and Ameen Test”.
The entire affair has been a bookmaker’s dream come true. What are the odds MQM will change their mind again? Your guess is as good as mine. In fact, there is so much drama going on there, that Pakistan’s Information Minister wants higher taxes on foreign dramas. Naturally, if there’s a local oversupply.
Coming back to the Khan market, or rather the market for Khan, what does the future hold? Some are boldly suggesting that Imran should seize the moment and sack the Army chief and go down a martyr. After all, as the Tamil saying goes, if the flood is above your head, how does it matter if it’s 9 or 18 inches? Most Pakistani PMs despite owing their jobs to the generals have often wished to do this.
All the while, the one with the finger on the trigger literally as well as metaphorically, Gen Bajwa is smiling quietly. Like a cat that plays with the mouse before going for the kill, he must be like “let the circus go on! It’s fun”
Pakistanis, on odd days, like to claim Turkish origins. On even days it is of pure Arab descent, some even claiming to be from Prophet’s (PBUH) clan. Of course, when they are in good mood, they claim Persian heritage as well. It is only the Wagah candle kissers that remind us Pakistanis are our own Indian blood, much to the horror of purebreds who proudly talk about fair-skinned Arab ancestors arriving on horseback. Please don’t spoil their pride telling them such invaders don’t bring their womenfolk along and rarely seek permission or get into wedlock before ravaging local women.
The extreme, of course, is that some Pakistanis like to claim Subrahmanyam Chandrasekhar is a Pakistani simply because he was born in Lahore when his father was posted there!
Talking of Turkish origins, there is enough evidence that it is true. If you study the role of Wazir-e-Azam in Pakistan, it closely resembles that of Kizlar Agha (Chief Eunuch) in the Ottoman court. Of course, there is no real castration, only political. This is the 21st century after all.
The Chief Eunuch technically reports to the Sultan (Army chief) and is “selected” and appointed by him. But there are times with palace intrigue and clever manipulations, he ends up deciding who the Sultan is. And the chosen Sultan, lacking all sense of gratitude, promptly sends his benefactor to the gallows or exile. Remember Zia and Bhutto? Or Nawaz and Musharraf?
Imran too entertains fond hopes of one day selecting the next Sultan. In fact, that is what got him into trouble in the first place. He prefers one particular shezade, Gen Faiz Hameed, who has been promptly shunted off distant lands to manage local rebellion in true Ottoman tradition.
With such illustrious DNA, can there be no harems? Of course not! Since I am not in favour of spreading unverified rumours, I will just let you google for General Rani.
But we Indians, lacking such glorious heritage, can only afford to stock up on popcorns and watch the fun. It hardly matters who gets ‘selected’ next. The three “A” that controls Pakistan are not going to change.
